We have some pretty crazy ideas about women’s sex overall. From the idea that a woman without an intact hymen is “not a virgin” to the imagined connection between the vagina and sexual partners, all of these myths mean Female orgasm is now thought of as elusive and hard to achieve, and we’ve probably been doing that for a long time.
Perhaps one of the most dangerous myths we’ve been taught is that it’s normal, or acceptable, for women to feel pain during penetrative adult sex. We do this in a variety of ways, namely by portraying a woman’s first sexual encounter as something where the pain is expected, or by promoting a narrative that encourages women to “take the dick.
First of all, adult sex shouldn’t be painful
like many women, I found losing my virginity unpleasant. I went in expecting to bleed, which I didn’t enjoy. When I didn’t bleed at all, I wondered if that meant the experience wasn’t real in some way. Doesn’t the hymen break? That’s completely wrong. Many women feel their hymen stretch during their first sexual intercourse as adults, who can cause bleeding, but many women stretch their hymen the first time they use a tampon or finger themselves. Some women are born with so little tissue that it appears to be completely nonexistent. Additionally, the hymen does not usually cover the entire vagina; after all, it needs space for menstrual blood to flow out. Women who are born with a hymen that covers the entire vaginal canal usually undergo surgery to remove the excess tissue. All of this is to say that virginity and the hymen are both greatly misunderstood. When I lay on my back without a drop of blood, I had an experience as authentic as anyone else’s.
I also understood that a painful first time was the price of becoming an adult woman with sexual potential. Looking back, I wish both I and my partner had understood the reality of virginity. Perhaps I would have asked him to take it slower, or else I would have been more present in the experience. Even
The second time I had sex as an adult was a nightmare.
As a woman, I’ve noticed that the encouragement to “take the dick” also influences my role in the bedroom. This means that no matter how uncomfortable it makes me, I have a knack for enduring it without raising my voice. Conversely, I’ve never heard a man advised to continue when he’s in pain. In my many experiences, I’ve had men jackhammer my cervix even though the pressure was uncomfortable. Now I tell my male partners to “take it slow” and “don’t go too deep.” I’ve said it many times before good, satisfying adult sex is what I deserve. Clear.
We need to see pain as an indicator that something isn’t right. That might mean changing how we have adult sex, but it also means acknowledging that pain could be indicative of a bigger problem.
